I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
