God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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