Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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