he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
