At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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