You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
