I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
