Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
