I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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