If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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