Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I stole a fireplace last night.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
