He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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