So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
