im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
