He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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