I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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