I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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