There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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