LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
