Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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