Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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