Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
