He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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