....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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