I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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