I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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