Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
