Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
