It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
