I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
