My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
