Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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