i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
