dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
