I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
