i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
time to smoke my breakfast
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
