My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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