He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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