True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
