She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
