Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
