I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
