I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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