I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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