a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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