at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
