Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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