Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
