Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
