question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
