um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
