I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
